no unintentional intentions.

Me. I turn on 21 January 7, 2009. I am a sunny island native stuck in a place that snows.

layout: detonatedlove♥
picture: xxMakeupStain_Quotes
brushes: 77words

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Kinda Tired

Besides the point that i dont have my Singpass as yet, I would really want to get back my results today. I am sick of waiting. Actually how well or badly i do doesnt really affect me anymore, to some it may sound fake, but I would prefer to get it back than to grope in the dark any further. J2s are wishing us best of luck. Luck has never been on my side since the start of this year considering the "series of unfortunate events". So i hope diligence would play a bigger part. Then again, I was never really diligent. ok, whatever..

There is something I come to realise after not writing for several days. Fury fuels my writing more than anything. I work doubly hard when I am angry at someone. But isnt everyone? Its childish to harbour hate because it works against you. Hence, the sensible me straightened out my thoughts. Let others hate me, and I shall remain on neutral grounds. Although I am not really considered happy as for now, at least I am not suffering from serious paranoia or depression. (maybe mild) Have been trying to be more optimistic lately.. Almost everyone seems to have caught this flu of unhappiness yet some others have flu vaccination. Unfair. I think i am not making sense.. nvm

Paranoia causes one to lose sleep i think. Maybe, I just couldnt surrender my consciousness because I slept too much in the afternoon and not because I am thinking too much. Then again, that was only one night. Super tired when i woke up. Warning: Dont sleep in the afternoon unless u are nocturnal. lOlx.

Went to nj talentime today, I thought it was ok. I would have preferred it if pecklim was on stage belting out his song. Well, there is always next year and non njcians can attend also so there isnt much of a problem. I wore a green tee with a drumset on it to give support to thomas who is the drummer of the winning band! 3 cheers! The winner and shuheng plus chong and myself went to eat dinner at bb macs. (note the pairing) hahax. Btw, I thought the dances were the best part of that night's programme.. :)

I conveniently copied someone's blog becoz I didn feel like writin the same thing all over again. This was wad happened recently, 19Feb

For touch rug, I went to watch the match NJ played at Turf City with HCJC yesterday. The field was so far in! We walked for so darn long that we were late for the match. NJ didn't win the one against HCJC, but I'm proud of our seniors still. Love ya all! When Cindy, Chong and I had to leave earlier to go back to NJC for extra band sectionals, we got so demoralised walking that we hitch-hiked a ride. WOW. That was my very first experience at hitch-hiking. And someone stopped for us!! She brought us back to NJC. So COOL right? =D

taken from shuheng's blog: rainbow-mist.blogspot.com

HEys! Happy Birthday 2 cooL people!
19Feb PEa
20Feb Vivien
20Feb Dianyang

I feel really weird when i realise that my current classmates come to my blog. Sorry to let u know that your ct rep is such a failure who is super vulnerable. hahax U guys only have to tolerate such nonsense for for 2 more weeks?

coincidental

I woke up at 1015 today with both eyes so puffy i cant see my double eyelids. lolX Then i called xinLing to tell her about my life which I told shenye the night before but not her because she was asleep when i called last night. I dont know why I always break down in front of shenye (over the phone actually) and start crying and all. In fact, I almost did when I saw her at rj concert but I tried my best to hold back my tears. They both would have understood best because they both know this exact same person whom I may or may not be accusing. To my surprise, xinLing suffered this exact same bout of misery. Coincidental huh?

I didn go running with sou today because i couldn contact her(my hp missing) and my usual mean of contacting her, through my brother was down because he was sleeping like a pig. My auntie called to ask me go over to my grandma's hse and so i did. I think she misses us, the grandchildren(16 of us). Many others went also, unlike usual because everyone is usually so busy that I am virtually always the only one who have the time to drop by. Then again, i think i have very little time on my hands ever since i went to nj. Anyway, I saw this cousin whom I have not seen in a year or 2 almost and he told me about his social life, career and all. Everything seems to be going well other then the fact he doesn have a girlfriend and is already 25 this year. I didn share my life, not because i am selfish but the fact that it isn exactly fabulous. Still quite happy to see him because I have not seen him for so long.

Went to get graded flute studies from guangmian, because since we are going to increase sectionals, i might as well get something more to practise since my main weakness still lies in my technique. I really dont feel like practising amazonia for 3 hours like what i did on saturday because i came early for self sectionals. Imagine me having to do that for the next 10 weeks. Not that I am a good player or what, its just that i dont have the patience while i have to face people that i dun like and dun like me. But tt besides the point. Guess who i saw at petir lrt when I went to get graded studies from guangmian? I saw jeremin. Due to my stupidity because i went up the wrong platform via the lift( he climbed stairs), we took the same lrt. Made some conversation though we actually only know each other's names. The probability of seeing him is so ultra low because he lives somewhere else(fajar i think) and not petir actually. He went to his friend's house to watch nba or something and spent the night there. Anyway, I realised I went to the wrong platform only after he got off the lrt and told me i was still far from choa chu kang. Cant help but think heaven is making a fool out of me. I didn even have a chance to talk to him when i used to like him for duper long, duper long time ago.

3 coincidences. Or at least i think they are. The world can be so small and Singapore is really even smaller.

this is simply great

Let me update u on how much everyone is freaked out by me, the new stalker in band. Here a quote," u r scary cindeee going ard every1's blog!" First, they think i am trying to keep my identity a secret by calling myself dee. Second, I am weird because i read my ogl's, ex rv current nj seniors', current bm's blog and this fhorn sl's blog whom my friend told me to read. The content of his entry told the readers to leave a note so that he can feel the readers' presence. So i should just read and pretend i didn read anyone's blog? Its a fault to be honest. Let me tell u what, if u didn see me tagging, it would mean i nv visited. As simple as that.

Anyway, whatever la.. I got my focus back. Gossip cant put me down anyway. Time will tell whether I am a bitch or not. I hope that no more people will fall for this sort of gossip. At least three people have been hurt, at least from what i know. It is high time that retribution gets to tt someone. Then again, maybe i am the sole contributer to what i am facing today and it has nothing to do with that someone. However, it is still true that she threw my trust away and bitched about my friends in the past and now. Something i would least expect of, from a person i never knew could be so hideous.

It's due time i get out of everyone's life with cue from the quote above. A moment ago, I was contemplating quitting band as the best way to get out of everyone's life. To think I was even feeling guilt when i thought about it in the past month. Everyone knows me now for the wrong reasons. They probably want me out of the band asap. However thanks to level headed shenye who jerked me back to reality, I think I shall stay til they drag me out by brute force because it would mean throwing the hours i practised down the drain which is a lot of time, effort and energy. Then again, I dont think they have time to bother about me already. I am old gossip. They are probably being entertained by the fresh gossip dished out by this someone. Its a hasty generalisation to say that though, it's probably only dished out to people who are bothered to believe and take them in.

more to it than i thought

When u get to know some people, u think they are nice people. But as time goes by, and u get to know more about them. They become hideous. Unbelievable. I dont know why this sort of thing happens and maybe some people think i am hideous over time or at first sight. All i feel for this people is initially disappointment and then fear. Disappointment because i would never imagine they would do such a thing (to me) and fear because they might just do the same again. Maybe they isnt such a gd word because it is essentially just someone.

I came to a conclusion that my situation isn getting much better after yr told me some stuff. Maybe I should quit band not only because i am not really contributing but also because people think i am just a despo bitch. Wad a bombastic image.. Now i cant even be friendly to some people, in case they freak out and think i am trying to seduce them or something. I wonder what caused this end product? I strongly suspect a catalyst. OR maybe the truth is that i truly am an idiot.

After I seeked help from edo to solve my maths qn, I innocently thought that he is a super nice person and that he believed that i am a normal person(nt a bitch). Maybe he is just nice not super nice then. Thanks to him, my situation is really not getting much better. Its getting worse in fact, like smudging ink all over the already not very clean piece of paper. Perhaps, he likes black stuff and enjoys making my life hell. All i could do was to tell clarice to tell him that i really dun like qingyang. (i hope everyone reads this)

It was just a misunderstanding right from the start. In my attempt to stop my class from creating scandals about me and this other guy (fortunately in this case i am not after the guy), I told them I like the qm in the band hoping that no one will know who he is. This is only because he is the first stranger whom i talked to or talked to me(cant really rmb) because of a very simple reason: my flute cannot play (G F# F) etc. and I needed a screwdriver. I dun even know his name lah. I just thought this qm was kinda cool cause he doesn talk much. Yunru happened to be in the trumpets then, so I simply continued this story(which i tot would be harmless) because at least she will know tt I am not simply creating an imaginary figure. My class also stopped trying to create scandals due to this lousy story which was apparently effective. This harmless lifesaver story got to the ears of some influential character who "commercialised" it despite me clarifying with the influential someone. No credit for the influential character though. But lots of problems for me.

In a pathetic attempt to stop it, I kept my distance and my mouth shut. I tried being evil by leaving kinda of hostile notes which didn work well and probably made me look obsessed. Nothing seemed to be effective. I wanna be normal. Let me be normal.

Happy Valentines' Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to all! Yet another boring year. I ate dinner with two shuai ges and one chiobu. Doesnt take quite long to figure out who they are right? Oh ya, one of my shuai ge half naked. So exciting ya? Haha..

Hey all of the girls unattached out there! You are welcome to join the Old Spinster Syndrome Club. Isnt it comforting to know that you are not the only one left on the shelf and expiring? Lolx this is lame.

Went to bandroom to do hw with chong and heng. Apparently, I couldn do any full qn. After seeking help from Esther, Edo and Sixun, I managed to do three qns. Maybe I should really drop fmaths. Grr.. frustration. I bet mr neo will go through more than 3 qns tml. I shall just die now..

Talked to an acquaintance online. Too afraid to sign in my own msn account because i didn want to be bombarded by this person who loves to nudge people. At least this acquaintance was full of praise for his friend's little sis.

Repeated use of "immaculate". I think I became a stalker overnight. wow.. impressive

btw i am dee. i am cindee. i am cindy.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Last monday: Fell down the stairs leading down to the canteen after school. Landed with a loud thud that got the attention of all the people in the canteen.

Last wednesday: Took the bus home with Tess after band and fell down on the bus. Bruised my knee really badly despite two strangers trying to pull me to prevent my falling.

Last thursday: Realised my knee is really badly injured because i can't flex it. Collided head to head with a ny girl during touch rug training.

Last friday: My leg got scratched by my mum's cheapo handbag. Left a disgustin scar.

Last sunday: Went to chinatown and this idiot hit me with his pushcart of topped with lots of boxes.. another injury on my leg.

All was well during the two day holiday..

Friday: Fell down in lt5 in front of countless people.. hit dunno who many tables and chairs before i landed on my butt.. visual entertainment for many i suppose.. Bruised all over. Felt super in pain for super long. Just when I felt better, I realised that half of my class including myself were in the wrong lt. Gahx..
Later on, we got a scolding from mdm yeo our chem teacher who obviously cannot be convinced that we innocently went to the wrong lt. I bet she thought we purposely wasted our time away so we get to miss lecture. Hahax.. goes to show how she used to harbour such thoughts as a student..

Just when I thought things couldn get worse, I realised that I bled from the injury and my forearm is swelling.. grr..

Always look on the bright side of life? I lost my handphone in the cinema theatre because I slumped in my seat watching constantine(super freaked out) and my phone slipped out of my shallow pocket. Someone evil happened to walk past and found him/herself a new handphone. LIfe rocks manx

Logically, I called to cancel the line after umpteen times of calling the evil person who eventually decided to switch the phone off. This customer service lady told me to ask my dad to call personally to cancel the line. I tried to explain that my dad was overseas and could only be back on sunday. She said, "Then call on Sunday la." I replied, " Would that mean that you would be held responsible for all phone charges made on friday and saturday?" Silence.

I thought asking my brother to call again was a better idea because my voice was obviously female. And it worked perfectly. wtf

my class bought me a 25C ice cream to cheer me up. high calorie food makes people much happier.

ps. sorry for being vulgar. darn

?

Here i am having dinner with three people at cafe cartel, and all three are trying to get me to quit band. Mind you, one of them is a us graduate holding a phd degree. He was my tuition teacher, an ex teacher at ahmad ibrahim and a physics text author. he said, "Just quit band, for once find something fun to do." Is band that boring? I think maybe only I myself can define it for myself. The other two just want me to quit so I can join them for saturday morning tuition. Wow.. Selfless.. hahax then again, I really do need tuition.

If i were to quit band, i would be like a traitor. Maybe i should just quit nj, change another school. Then everything i do next will be all right, everything will start on a new fresh page. But I dont want to ruthlessly tear off what I have written these past one and a half months and pretend nothing has happened. How do i face the rest?

ARgh.. point me the way.

Chinese New Year

Every year, we just do the same thing which is to visit both my grandparents and lag around there. It becomes like a once a year routine. Nothing really meaningful or super interesting. Conversation between relatives are usually superficial and it really shows how much everyone knows about everyone else in the family. Not that I mind such superficial conversation, at least we get to know what's happening in each other's lives. And the person sustaining this "routine" is my grandmother. What would happen if one day she were to leave us? I hate to think this way, but there is quite a high possibility that everything will fall apart.

I realised a grandparent is definitely a very important factor in sustaining a family. My grandma is 80 this year. How i hope she can live to see my grandchildren. Maybe I should start planning on how to contribute to Singapore's shrinking population and grab the incentives. HAhax..

biggest achievement: Manage to drill my youngest cousin into remembering me.. Fortunately he is the only one that doesn anyway.

super proud of: having two nephews (5 yrs old) and one niece (13 mths) kelvin and jonathan are so super handsome. I bet they will turn out to be dashing guys! :D well, "gd looking" genes run in the family.. Lolx

Stuffing my face with new year goodies.. Haha indulgence C:

Time to Breathe

When I made up my mind to come to nj, I was sure that i will stay in nj unless my L1R5 cannot ensure me a place here. I just did not like the idea of jc hopping, because its like abandoning my classmates and cca mates who will probably still be in nj.

In the orientation week, everyone i know including myself, was asking other people whether they like their own junior college.
Hw was like, " I love Hwa Chong!". When I asked what is it that makes her like the place and how it is fun. She replied that everything is fun, including the talks. (?!?) Ky made the hwa chong family sound super cool and rich. All I witnessed was the library, which was stunning.
Almost all the saints love the place, and on their msn nicks they display things like, "SaJc Rox!" and "Once a Saint, always a Saint."
Jjcians have cool cheers I think, and they cheer all over the place. Their school spirit seems strong.

I dont really know if njcians love the school. Some tell me that nj is not as boring as they thought. Personally, I dont love nj but I dont mean I dont like it either. It is a neutral kind of feeling but I am happy to be here. Er.. confusing..

Nj is really not like rv in terms of its culture and its environment. It certainly has more freedom because rv nearly drove me up the wall with rigid rules and discipline "bots" stationed in every corner. Not to mention, this two faced teacher who loved to stab me from behind. However, I really have to thank rv for what it has done for me and how it has developed me. Sad to say, I am able to appreciate this only after I left the school. Well ultimately, I love rv.

05S04 is my class and I take double science(physics and chemistry) and double maths. Many think that people who take f maths have either gone bonkers or are simply geeks. I am certainly neither but I shall just wait to see if I am really going bonkers. My class isnt exactly noisy and enthusiastic. In fact, we almost drove our ogl teck kuan to tears with our lack of response. Fortunately, I think we are more "warmed up" now, with some emergences of lamers.

On the first official day of school, I felt a little lost without the ogls. With a new responsibility, I am supposed to "enthuse" and lead my class, together with fellow alfred. However, I did not know where exactly to go during the long breaks or anything to do that would involve the whole class. Here is everyone asking u for directions when u feel as lost as them. Almost instinctively, we walked out of LT1 after lecture and towards the library. We sat at the study benches, took out the tutorials and started mugging. Sixun was stupefied when she saw us and she shrieked a little. Hahax.. I simply sat there and stoned. I didnt feel like mugging and was never known to do homework anyway. After a while, people started bringing cards and board games to play because we feel super bored during our breaks. And I really do mean board games. Hahax..

To me, taking f maths is like swimming in an ocean. If I dont keep swimming, I will sink. However, I am just swimming aimlessly because I dont know which direction to head for. I feel super small, and helpless cause my class is smart, really smart.

What cca to join was another mind boggling thing. Before me and other bandmates came to nj, we were sure never to join band again. Not that there is anything wrong with band, we just wanted to try something new. Some way or other, I came to terms that I was very much worse at everything else compared to playing the flute. My wild guess is that the others faced with the same problem because we are all in band now. HahaXx.. Juggling two ccas, though band is first priority, is making me both physically and mentally weary.

Chinese new year came along when I desperately need a break. YEah!! We finally have two days off. Ever since I started school, I have been looking forward to holidays. How I wish that Valentine's day can be a public holiday. After all, the government badly needs to encourage marriages and births anyway. Haha :)



the previous is untrue

I dun noe if i should delete the previous post or not. Apparently it amuses my bandmates (rv n nj) cum ex-classmates cum friends and they would love to have it there. I just hope no one from nj band will visit this blog cause i will have to dig a hole and hide myself there. Anonymous and abc reply for the previous entry were very obviously done by clarice. Actually the demented idea about me being a airhead bitch is quite hilarious but it will be hard to keep up with the image because its virtually impossible.

I have so much to say about what happened in the month of January. Only four weeks but everything seemed so jumbled up and my life was out of control.