no unintentional intentions.

Me. I turn on 21 January 7, 2009. I am a sunny island native stuck in a place that snows.

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Accident Prone Idiot

Today’s already not a fantastic day to begin with because I woke up in the wee hours and it interrupted my sleeping cycle. And perhaps due to this lack of sleep, I think I was a bit apathetic towards lala’s injury this morning. I guess I should have tried to find antiseptic for her instead of suggesting that she find welfare for some, after she ‘ouch’ed for quite a while. sorry

Actually, I think I was just not in the mood to move much, talk much and hence help anyone.
And yes, there was retribution.

At boon lay bus interchange, where I got off bus 174, I tripped and grazed my knees. I was too shocked to scream. How would I expect my falling when it was only the first step off the bus? But whoever who did, chong, la or jo, got me more attention from passersby. Not a good thing though. In fact, it made me feel worse about the apathy earlier in the morning. But strangely, I didn’t feel embarrassed though I was sure I looked like an idiot. If only the skin on my knee was as thick as the skin on my face.

My left knee seems gorier. Ok, that’s exaggeration since my right knee didn’t bleed at all. The weird thing is that I didn’t really feel the pain till about 10 mins later. Either I wasn’t concentrating on how blood wass oozing out my knee or my nervous system is screwed up. Seriously, if I didn’t look at my knee, I wouldn’t even know that I was bleeding. Well, at least didn’t sprain the ankle because at that point, I felt that I was almost going to. Not that unfortunate today I guess.

Just when I thought the day was getting better with practically all slack lessons and announcing of music committee, this has to happen. Life sucks.

When i dressed my wound when i reached home, I forgot about having proflavin lotion, the yellow liquid, at home and used denatured alcohol instead because its the only other antiseptic thing around. Imagine alcohol on wound. Bahx After i almost died from the pain and screaming in silence, i remembered proflavin's existence. what is this? brain dysfunction. argh

Sometimes when people tell me how unlucky they can be, I cant help but think that they should walk my life and get a feel of what is unlucky. But I do admit most of them lead worse lives than me and though I sound pathetic sometimes. To account for my lack of good luck… Mm.. maybe its fengshui.. hahax

It’s Rouying’s birthday on Friday. We went to shop for jigsaw puzzles for her. And that was what made me happier. :D Love looking at puzzles! and PAU's charsiew pau is nice.

Anyway, want to say Happy Seventeenth Birthday to you! After all, I spilled blood for your sake though mostly due to my stupidity. But I doubt you will see this since we don’t even know each other.

I know tomorrow will be better if I get to see jace and 4j people. I shall hope aloud.


Something Happier

chong,
"Let others read something happier so that they wont be affected by sad entries. Its bad to make others feel sad. But at least i know u are sad. "

Seriously, i dont think i will be sad if i read sad stuff written by people i dont really care about. And the point is that i wont even want people i dont care about to know that i am sad. Hence assuming those who read tagged the board, people who are reading are people whom i care about. Well, either way, i decided to stagger the unhappy post that i had wrote yesterday since its probably not right to make these people unhappy as well.

things that make me happy.

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Can finally take my mind off everything and live in his imaginary world for like 10 hours?

2. Choong is a finalist in channel u Project Superstar.
I see his all time dream coming true and his hard work getting paid off. I feel happy for him. Friend, Acquaintance or Idol, Congrats!

3. Tokyo Kosei Concert
Music. I know i am a band geek.

that's all. and i get to eat mac's breakfast tmr. maybe it'll make me happy.

CheeseCake

Everytime i feel down, i feel like baking something. And everytime it works like how panadol handles fever, extremely effective, yet you know its only curing the symptoms of your illness and not the illness itself. Meanwhile, the illness grows to become chronic due to my oblivion.

And i was subconsciously doing it, without realising that it was merely escapism. At this rate i am going, i will just keep feeding my addiction and die from it. How to die from escaping? I actually dont know too.

But this time around, when i was baking this 12 by 9 inch big cheesecake, i watched it rotate in the oven and thought about why i always felt better after baking. The cake took 45 mins. I took less. Then, i told my baking partner sou.

i guess she felt the same, so i shall just quote her quoting me and her addition.

"baking is fun. baking is coool. baking takes ur mind off thingss. lyk cindy said, baking allows one to feel a sense of achievement when we finally fig out how many degrees celsius is 325 degrees farenheit, when we fig out wat is half stick of butter & lotsa more until the cake is finally done. while there're many problems in life, problems that u cant solve, problems tat u feel lyk running away from, baking allows u to escape from all tat & feel a sense of achievement when u've finally succeeded--a feeling tat is hardly known in life. at least in my life."

The big cheesecake is setting in the fridge now. I like how it brings a smile to my face, how it bring smiles to others and how it can become more than just the plain old smelly cheese.

20 bucks for a momentary happiness.

Try it when u are unhappy. U dont have to be a genius to bake one. And its a whole lot easier than facing what u need to face.

Facing it

Everyone says when opportunity comes along, just seize it. But things are not always that simple. I thought it made alot of sense when i heard someone say, "When opportunity comes along, u should first be ready for it." Its like competing with someone to answer a question. What's the point of raising your hand first when u know no answer to it?

I know if i made more effort to refuse my opportunity. It would have been better. In fact, everyone knows deep down inside that it will be a whole lot better had i not been given the opportunity because it will no longer be a problem but an excellence when left in others' hands. And i really do mean others' and not another's.

Sorry that i have failed. Sorry that i let those who have helped me down. Sorry that i was unrealistic about my ability. Sorry because u all didnt deserve the glitch in the otherwise perfect rendition. Sorry that i was selfish. Honestly, I really didnt mind giving up my opportunity to someone else who deserves it more. But the truth lies that i didnt insist on giving it up. I only offered. I tried to be hopeful.

Every stupid thing i do goes into the recording. One month ago, I screwed up. Days ago, I screwed up yet again. And again, its all recorded. Concrete evidence, like pen on paper.I wonder if it will still haunt me when i listen to it one year from now. Although i know volume is a problem that may not be within reach but i guess accuracy is. And i couldnt even make it there.

I feel so stupid now that i think back on what i was doing. I was swimming against the current when i could have given it to others who could ride the waves. I almost drowned. And in reality, i was indeed drowned. I want to laugh at myself but i find only tears. All of a sudden, i realised that i am still the cindy when i was back in rv, just that i wore shoes size 10 and keeled over. I hallucinated that i grew and bought shoes too big for my feet.

Result?
I scraped my knees real bad, theres so much blood.

everything's over now. finally.

just that i need more than band aid now.
and i only have myself to blame.

Etude XXX: A Musical Journey..

Tomorrow is the big day! I wish everyone all the best and hope we wow dear Mrs. Virginia Cheng out of her underpants. :D Make her understand that every seat is well worth the ten or twelve dollars.

Just quite sad that Etude XXX somewhat marks the end of band life with j2s, and having the size of the band to drop by nearly half. Well, flutes will be lonely without meera and hanjie.. I guess its the same for every section.

Since we have to sleep by twelve according to band major youzhi, i dont really think this entry will be seen by many. To those who see it in time, u are really lucky and u will be lucky tmr too! hahax lame la..

That's all.. 30 mins to twelve. Gd Night and Sweet Dreams everyone!



ps. wasn angry at u. though i think i sounded abit angry. hahax. its the way i write la. n my brother still sucks.. bleahx

A "Bitch" 's Account

brother: dont be a fucking bitch yourself. u dun even know you pissed someone off. that's why everybody hates you. me included.

I am sorry if i pissed u(everyone.brother excluded) off. i have no idea. Either because i have zero sensitivity or cause i expected everyone to be patient. i guess i am wrong. but one thing is that i really didnt know you were waiting for me since u made zero mention of it from right from the start. Even now, i still dont think u really were waiting for me. And i think my estimation of time is worse than my reply of saying i really dont know.

btw, it really wasnt fun in any name. It was more of obligation. The fact that u even had a chance to see me was because i broke this obligation for my own selfish reason of getting my handphone. Would u term it as fun if you were in my place? Maybe you will, since u see it that way. besides, ur infinite waiting time = my infinite working time. If it appeases u, i would really rather be a nonentity.

I agree that power is a scary thing. We have no rights to judge how one can become over zealous when given it. They might have been like that all along, just not given a chance to show it. People are what they think they are, not what we think they are. I really dont know what to say. Are you going to shun everyone whom u think have changed even before trying to accept them? Or just dont care? Dont u even feel disturbed that you are not giving a damn?

I am not on anyone's side. Just disappointed with many things. I know why you are frustrated or even disgusted because i was once too. Very much in fact.

Things will be better. Its because we did something in the beginning and not waited for it to rot and stink. Even if it proves our hypothesis that it will rot and stink in the end, i would rather it be intervention, not our lack of intervention. I am very tired. So are you as well i bet. But, i hope you wont give up on us.

with regards to people concerned about me having family(notably sibling) problems, we dont need a counsellor or like. We have this adorable love-hate relationship, we constantly try to kill each other to give ourselves reassurance that we are both still alive. i really love him. y?
i guess dogs dont really have much brains since i am a bitch according to dear bitch's brother.

lastly, to any stupid bitch who wants to try marry my dog brother. The queue is super fast. Not because it is short, but simply because he changes bitches faster than i change my toothbrushes. So there. :D Free publicity dog brother. I already know how much u gonna love me for it.