no unintentional intentions.

Me. I turn on 21 January 7, 2009. I am a sunny island native stuck in a place that snows.

layout: detonatedlove♥
picture: xxMakeupStain_Quotes
brushes: 77words

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2 scenarios

when someone tries to hurt u, there are usually 2 scenarios. the first one is easy. you either get hurt or you dont. the next is slightly more complicated. when u actually do get hurt, pain dictates the next two immediate emotions, disappointment or anger.

so the picture is actually pretty clear.

i give u an analogy. (hope = heng's dog)

assuming hope to be a normal and not an insane one (no sarcasm intended), when hope bites heng, the immediate emotion heng feels ought to be disappointment.
however, if a random construction site stray dog bites heng, heng would probably scream fark and proceed to kick the dog away. and this reaction, i categorise it under anger.


if u think the previous was directed at you and i wanted to rip you apart. probably, this is how u felt about me. and hence, u assumed it was how i felt too. because u thought that the anger u felt was mutual. remember chong said there is a man who stirs dissension amongst brothers. the previous entry was directed at that man, eila tan. and if we were brothers, disappointment would have come before anger, wouldnt it? and even till now, it should stand at a proportion so much greater than anger, wouldnt it?

well, i figured that it isnt the case for u. actually, the whole deal is not about whether or not u are "late". its about whether or not u admit that its wrong to be late. but if u feel there is no need for an apology because there is nothing wrong in making another wait, then perhaps there is a difference in our values.

its not true that nobody cares why u were late. there is actually a perfect explanation for it. i am not a mindreader. we are both not mindreaders. did u tell me why? u didnt. in fact, not only did u not tell me why when i asked u, u chose to ignore me. u chose to walk away from me while i stood screaming your name.

you dont stab a person and walk away pretending i wont bleed. life doesn go on as usual like it didn’t happen. everything is not alright. i dont know how to stage a pretense that it is nor do i want to force myself to.

to you, maybe its ok to blow me off just once and leave me like that. its probably ok, but the wound would probably have braided into a scar. wounded but ultimately with or without your help, it did heal anyway. didnt it?

u've just simply made me realise how small i am. the fact that i exist for your convenience. u made me realise that everytime u said hey, it came more out of need than concern. maybe when u say i am important, it wasn a lie. but it just didn’t come with the qualifier, quite. i am quite important but perhaps not and never important enough.

the fact that u actually admit that u would never turn up anymore shows how much I was right after all. if something or someone important was on that very bus, would u just watch it drive away? i wouldn’t. i would run. i would run till my legs give out. even if I fall to my knees, i would pick myself up and keep running until it disappears out of my sight. i may end up battered and bloody, but at least i know i have tried. i know it would be worth it.

but now i finally realize that it wasnt worth it. i wasn worth it. i was never worth it. i am sorry i was mistaken. but well, my only consolation is that its better late then never.

half of this entry was taken from what i wrote pretty long ago, but u didn’t realize either. can I say u didn’t care? i dont because I know it isn’t fair to say so, because i know u are not a mindreader.



actually, we both feel victimised in case u haven realized. you know, when we keep bumping into each other in all the crankiest nooks and corners, i felt the uppers arranged for our friendship. but i realise now, it was just me thinking like that. to you, this "friendship" probably wasn worth a dime, it just going for a song. thank you for being nice to me when u were, it was nice while it lasted.

utter abhorrence

i remember being accused in many incidents in my childhood. all of which, i reacted violently to. none of which, i managed to be calm or collected. i remember when i was fourteen, this english relief teacher accused me of cheating in a whiteboard test. what happened next was like a reflex. i had the cap of the whiteboard marker in my left hand, and i threw it at her. i advanced towards her and yelled at her at the same time. i forgot the exact words i said. but it was something along the lines of, " i did not cheat, why the hell did u accuse me? what kind of teacher are you, you have no rights to be a teacher!" she was back facing the whiteboard. and i didnt realise i was advancing towards her and she retreating until she reached the whiteboard. i think she mumbled some haphazard sorry and made a stupid joke of me taking her out after class. which no one found funny anyway.

to summarise the whole point, i absolutely hate being maligned.

i suppose there are people watching this space to see if i will come up with something that can satisfy their curiousity or fuel their anger. or even, to see me wallow in self pity and sorrow. if u think i'll let u get to me, u're so wrong. u just made me more bent on ripping u apart if i ever get the chance to meet u.

if what's going through your head right now is, " come la, u think i scared u ar?" thats perfect. that how i like it too. i only pick on people, whose fear is my own size. and rest assured, i will not hesitate to let u find out how right your judgement is. disgustin foul bitch? yeah how right you are.

go ahead and continue painting me in a bad light. but be warned, i'll come through that painting and sink my teeth into your skin. and i suggest u start learning how to levitate, if not we shall burn in hell.

haha hope to see you soon.